ClickHole

I’ve been writing for ClickHole since 2017. I’m currently a Senior Contributing Writer, and before that I was a Writer At Large and a Writing Fellow. I’ve written hundreds and hundreds of headlines and articles in that time. You can check out a sampling of my ClickHole writing below.

Also, a note on the way ClickHole’s draft writing process works: Sometimes you write the article for a joke headline that you pitched, and other times you write up the article for someone else’s headline. So below I’ll let you know what the deal was for each piece, whether I wrote the headline, the article, or both.

Personal favorites:

Amazing Phenomenon: America’s Heavyset Sunburned Men Wearing Basketball Shorts As Bathing Suits Have Begun Their Annual Migration To The Jersey Shore’s Boardwalk Punching Bag Arcade (headline, article) 

Heartbreaking: This Guy Has No Idea That He’s So Strange And Memorable-Looking That Everyone From His Flight Is Using Him As A Landmark To Figure Out Which Baggage Claim Area Is Theirs (headline)

The Saga Continues: J.K. Rowling Has Revealed That After Harry’s Class Graduated, Hagrid Basically Had No Friends Anymore And When He Died It Took People 3 Days To Notice (headline, article)

5 Episodes Of ‘Diners, Drive-Ins And Dives’ Where Guy Fieri Clearly Just Stopped Into The Restaurant Because He Desperately Needed To Use The Bathroom (article)

The 5 Times Dad Was Irrefutably In The Zone (headline, article)

Touching: Comedians Talk About The First Time Johnny Carson Invited Them Up On His Roof To Shotgun A Diet Dr Pepper (article)

5 Times Harry Potter Used An Unplugged 6-Outlet Power Strip As A Wand And Mumbled ‘Louie Anderson’ Instead Of A Spell, Ranked By How Fucked Up The Results Were (headline, article)

Almost A Gamechanger: This Teenage Boy Discovered A Human Pussy On The Back Of The Family Grandfather Clock, But It’s In The Foyer So He Can Never Get Alone Time With It (headline, article)

Inclusivity Win! This White Girl Vacationing With Her Friends In The Caribbean Just Posted A Group Photo Featuring A Local Resort Employee With The Caption ‘Our New Friend Lol’ (headline)

4 Times The Count Fucked Up Teaching A Moral Lesson On ‘Sesame Street’ Before He Was Limited To Just Being The Counting Guy (headline, article)

"Tony Drank O.J. Right Out Of The Carton Like A Sicko": An Oral History of ‘The Sopranos’ (headline, full long-form article)

Heartbreaking: The Kind Of Nice Thing That This Guy’s Friend Just Mindlessly Said About Him In Passing Is Going To Be A Central Pillar Of His Self-Esteem For The Rest Of His Life (headline)

Finding Common Ground: 5 Times Harry Potter And Voldemort Agreed That For The Sorting Hat, Being Put On A Kid’s Head Probably Felt Like Using A Bidet (headline, article)

Does Your School Bus Driver Think Of You As Their Protégé? (headline, article)

 5 Times On ‘Sesame Street’ Where Big Bird Incorrectly Explained To A Kid That Each Of The Pink Rings Around His Legs Represents 100 Years That He’s Been Alive (headline, article)

How Many Of These All-Time Messy ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Moments Do You Remember? (headline, article)

How Many Of These Ways Has Your Kid Fucked Up At T-Ball? (article)

A Piece Of History: The Walgreens Blood Pressure Monitor That Choked JFK To Death After He Figured Trapping Extra Blood In His Brain Would Help Him Solve Riddles Is Coming To The Smithsonian (headline)

On The Right Side Of History: Dad Just Slammed Michael Jackson For Being ‘A Sicko’ Pretty Much Unprompted (headline, article)

 ‘They Shouldn’t Be Entertained For More Than Five Minutes, Tops’: The American Psychological Association Has Announced That If Your Kid Goes A Little Too Buckwild Over Bubbles, Keep An Eye On That (headline)

Can You Help Drew Carey’s Buddies Put Together The Perfect Plan To Finally Get Their Boy Laid? (headline, article)

Fed Up: The CIA Is Tweeting That If Your Terrorism Includes Computers And Emails, How’s About You Drop The Pussy Shit And Fly A Plane At Us Like A Man (headline)

A Slice Of Sicily! Mom Is Drinking Wine And Making Chicken Alfredo From A Box While Listening To That Music-Only TV Channel In the 400s That Plays Frank Sinatra Songs (headline)

A bunch more:

Sorry To Hear That, Billy: Billy Joel Has Revealed That That 2Pac Hologram Walked Inside Him A Few Years Back And Has Been Using His Body As A Host Ever Since (headline)

Kind Of Cool In A Different Way: This Couple That Pulled Up Their Carpets Hoping To Find Hardwood Found Wee Man Instead (headline)

Just Seems Like A Thing You Gotta Be Over 40 To Understand: You Just Saw Your Dad Cry For The First Time Ever After He Found Out That Some Howard Stern Wack Packer Named Baby-Sized Cameron Just Died (headline)

Look Who Came Crawling Back: This Guy Just Set His Shower Head Back To The Normal Setting After Trying Out The 5 Other Way Shittier Settings Real Quick (headline)

The Guy Saw The Big Hardcover Menus And It Was Over: Dad’s Behavior Is Making It So Clear That He Believes This Regular-Ass Restaurant Is Fancy (headline, article)

4 Episodes Of ‘Diners, Drive-Ins And Dives’ Where Guy Fieri Took A Bite Of A Meal, Instantly Vomited, But Then Still Called The Chef A Culinary Gangsta (article)

Tired Of Waiting: Bruno Mars Has Revealed That He’s Fast-Forwarding His Career To The Part Where He Looks Old As Shit And Has A Sad Residency In Vegas (headline, article)

Unquestioned Alpha Of The Bathroom: This Guy Has BOTH Hands Up On The Wall Over The Urinal And Is Letting Loose A Kingly Sigh While Taking An Absolutely Marathon Piss (headline)

Twitter Explosion: Kenmore Is Going Off After Finding Out That Nobody Uses The Circular Glass Plate That Your Food Rotates On Inside The Microwave As A Regular Plate Too (headline, article)

The Mystery Lives On: Researchers At Oxford Have Concluded That They’ll Never Know How Outback Steakhouse Bread Can Be So Dark Brown But Taste Regular (headline)

Heartbreaking: Dad Has Pretty Obviously Changed His Behavior For Fear Of Getting Cancelled As If He’s Even Close To Important Enough For That To Happen (headline, article)

Heartbreaking: This Guy Talking About How He’s Less Comfortable In Big Group Settings Doesn’t Realize He’s Even More Off-Putting And Strange One-On-One (headline)

Heartbreaking: Dad Is Excited Out Of His Fucking Mind After Asking A Cab Driver In Aruba To Take Us Where The Locals Eat And Getting Dropped Off At What’s Basically An Olive Garden (headline, article)

Huge Freaks Doing Cool Things: The 19 Most Important Milestones In NBA History (headline, article)

Heartbreaking: This Man Is Self-Conscious About His Huge Pants When It’s Actually The Only Thing His Coworkers Like About Him (headline, article)

Clearing Things Up: KISS Has Announced That All Of Their Sex Songs Are About Having Sex With Human Women Even Though They’re Dressed Up As Demons And Aliens And A Cat (headline, article)

Total Rebrand: Justin Bieber Has Announced That He’s Going To Be Like A 1950s Heartthrob Now By Looking Like He’s 60 And Starring In 140 Movies Where He Sings Like A Ghost (headline, article)

A Beautiful Remembrance: This Guy Emptying Out His Voicemails Has Opted To Keep One From His Grandma Who He Figures Will Probably Die Pretty Soon (headline)

Fuck’s He Trying To Prove? This Kid’s Friend Who Stayed For Dinner Just Rinsed Off His Plate And Put It In Dishwasher (headline)

Absolutely Heartbreaking: This Guy Who Just Got Laid Off Believes It’s The Universe’s Way Of Telling Him To Pursue His Dream (headline)

Jumping The Gun: This Kid On A Road Trip Just Started Pissing Into A Bottle Without Even Asking His Parents To Find Him A Bathroom Or Anything (headline, article)

The Gift That Keeps On Giving: This Girl’s Dad Is Still Dressed  Up As Dumbledore The Week After Her Birthday, And Now His 2 Friends Are Too (headline, article)

Backtracking: The Creators Of 'Blackfish' Are Releasing A New Documentary About How, On Second Thought, SeaWorld Doesn’t Make Sense Without Whales (headline, article)

Heartbreaking: Tom DeLonge Posted A 4-Hour Video Of Himself Getting A Prostate Exam From Aliens But Everyone Ignored It Because He’s Been So Annoying With Alien Stuff For So Long It Doesn’t Really Stick (headline)

Can You Help The Janitor Put Together A Showstopping Presentation To Give On Parent-Teacher Night? (headline, article)

Bracing For Trump: With Funding Cuts Looming, NASA Is Shooting Dozens Of Employees Into Space And Will Figure Out What To Do With Them Later (headline, article)

Stepping Up: The NRA Has Finally Responded To The Las Vegas Shooting By Giving Each Of The Victims A Perfect NRA Scorecard (headline)

Resistance Win: When One Of Her Students Wore A MAGA Hat To Class, This Incredible Teacher Stopped Having Sex With Him After School (headline, article)

I’m With Dad: 4 Reasons Why Me And Dad Think The Old Howard Stern Wouldn’t Even Recognize The New Politically Correct Howard Stern (headline, article)

Sorry To Hear That, Dave: Dave Matthews Has Revealed That That Solar Eclipse A While Back Made Him Blind (headline)

Rant Time: AMC Theatres Is Tweeting About How It Should Get More Credit For Not Charging Pregnant Women For 2 Tickets Even Though It Easily Could (headline, article)

Fed Up: AT&T Has Announced That If You Think You Can Make A Cell-Phone Tower Look Like A Tree Better Than They Can, Then Be Their Fucking Guest (headline)

Putting The Debate To Bed: PETA Has Announced That They Will Never Know Whether It’s Okay To Be Naked In Front Of Your Dog Or What (headline)

Extremely Polite: This Kid On Vacation With His Friend’s Family Hasn’t Taken A Shit For The Last 6 Days (headline, article)

Holding Its Ground: RCA Records Just Tweeted It’ll Never Pay The Foo Fighters Because Singing With Your Buds Is Not A Job (headline)

A Major Advantage: Microsoft Has Released A New Xbox Controller With Pre-Mushed-In Buttons That You Can Make Your Friend Use Since It’s Your House (headline)

Clearing Things Up: The Catholic Church Has Announced That Priests Don’t Have To Live Together, They Just Do That Because It’s Fun (headline)

Jumping The Gun: This Man Just Told His Kids To Call His Friend ‘Uncle Jeff’ Even Though They’ve Only Been Friends For 2 Weeks (headline)

Big Man, Bigger Heart: Shaq Performed For U.S. Troops Overseas By Getting Onstage And Just Letting Everyone Get A Good Look At Him For A While (headline)

7 Kids In Class Who Somehow Still Have Orange-And-Black Braces From Halloween, Honest To God, We Got 7 Of Them (headline, article)

Concussion Crisis: A Study Conducted By General Mills On The Brains Of 20 Deceased NFL Players Found That CTE Dramatically Decreases Athletes’ Ability To Enjoy Lucky Charms (headline)

5 Times John Madden Filled The Silence During An On-Field Injury By Bragging About Being A Soviet Spy (headline, article)

Vacation Ruined: 5 People Who Seemed To Know Dad Really Well When We Accidentally Wound Up In Amsterdam’s Red-Light District (article)

4 Big Frogs You Can Store A Few Hot Wheels In (article)

Put On Notice: John Legend Took To Twitter Last Night To Completely Rip Into Whoever’s Been Putting Wet Towels Inside His Piano (headline, article)

The 4 Medical Conditions That You Can Have (headline)

Put Down The iPad And Go Shave An Ape! 6 Awesome Things ’90s Kids Grew Up Doing To Orangutans That Kids Today Are Totally Missing Out On (article)

5 Times Gandalf Tried To Cheer Up A Despondent Frodo Baggins With Stories From Warped Tour (article)

How Many Of These Ways Have You Alienated The Cast Of Your Community Theater Production Of ‘Les Miserables’? (article)

Can You Turn The Tables And Recruit The Jehovah’s Witness At Your Door To Come Inside And Watch HBO Porn With Some Pals? (headline, article)

Do You Have What It Takes To Train Freddy Krueger To Be A Barista? (article)

Stay Calm: 6 Things That Could Explain Why Your Landlord Is Still Asking You For Rent After You Painted A Portrait Of Him And Left It On His Porch (headline, article)

Yes! Wilson Just Released A Line Of Gloves With Extra Little Strings To Pick At For Kids Who Would Rather Be At Home Drawing (headline)

Etiquette Guide: 7 Mistakes Every First-Timer Makes When Trying To Fit In With The Nude Old Men Watching MSNBC In The Gym Locker Room (headline, article)

5 Things On Your Coworker’s Desk That Seem To Suggest Ron Jeremy Is His Son (article)

Every 6th-Grader Who Goes Balls To The Wall During Gym-Class Badminton Ranked By How Bad Their Asses Reek For The Rest Of The Day (headline)

5 Eager Freshmen Who Joined The Quidditch Club To Meet New People, Ranked By How Quickly They Bailed To Find Normal Kids (headline)

6 Editing Tips To Shorten Your Singing Telegram Informing Your Ex-Wife That Your Son Is Lost At The Mall (article)

Heartbreaking: This Kid Genuinely Seems Pretty Proud After His Teacher Announced That His Section Of Biology Is A Full Week Ahead Of Her Other Bio Classes (headline)

Worth A Shot: Tylenol Announced They’re Going To Try Jacking Up The Price Of Tylenol To $1,000 A Pill Like Other Drugs Do And See If People Keep Buying It (article)

At A Loss: The FCC Has Announced That They Can’t Understand What The Hell Is Happening In Anime And Honestly Have No Idea If It’s Okay For Children (article)

Can You Match The ‘Hey Arnold!’ Character To The Episode Where They Learned That Puberty Never Stops Until You Die? (headline, article)

Heartbreaking: A ‘Price Is Right’ Contestant Just Won A Dryer That Drew Carey Has Clearly Been Living In (headline)

Yes! Wet Ones Just Released A Line Of Edible Hand Wipes That You Can Eat In Front Of A Date To Impress Them (headline)

Awesome! Philips Just Released A Line Of Light Bulbs That Are So Dim You Won’t Be Able To See All Of The Mice Rummaging Through Your Home (headline)

Shameful: This Man Won’t Stop Demanding Candles, Even Though He’s Already Holding One In Each Hand (article)

Major Flub: Dave Matthews Band Has Been Jamming On The ‘Ants Marching’ Riff Onstage For 3 Weeks While Dave Tries To Remember The Fiddle Player’s Name And Finish Introducing The Band (article)

Move Over, Tidal: Spotify Has Kicked Billy Joel Off Of Its Platform To Motivate Him To Start His Own Streaming Service (headline, article)

Yes! Every 2019 Nissan Will Have Airbags That Eject At Random Every So Often Because Nissan Works Really Hard On Them And Wants People To See Them (headline)

Modern-Day Gandhi: Meet The Radical Ascetic Who Insists That He’s Really Fine Without A Blanket While Crashing At A Friend’s House (headline, article)

Finally! ‘FIFA 18’ Will Now Tell You Who Each Player’s NBA Equivalent Is So You Can Stop Asking Your One Soccer Friend To Explain It (headline, article)

Probably Bullshit But Still A Little Scary: Ethan Is Claiming That His Super Soaker Is Filled With Pee (article)

Which Of Your Dumbass Contributions To The Class’ Discussion Of ‘Animal Farm’ Prompted The Faculty To Quietly Reassign You To The School’s Landscaping Crew? (article)

Can You Match The Lyrics To The Blink-182 Song About Gambling Travis Barker Away? (headline, article)

How Well Do You Know The 6 Parts Of A Dog? (article)

Missing A Legend: Bob Dylan Has Had To Hang Out With John Lithgow By Himself Since Tom Petty Died Even Though They Were Really Only Friends Through Tom Petty (headline)

Security Breach: Barack Obama Forgot To Log Out Of Facebook On A Best Buy Display Computer (headline)

No Excuse: This Kid Who’s Rich Enough To Have A Full-Blown Basketball Court In His Backyard Is By Far The Shittiest Basketball Player On His Team (headline)

7 People Who Have Pulled Out Their Cell Phone Flashlights To Help Look For Lindsay’s Debit Card Ranked By How Much They’re Just Going Through The Motions (headline, article)

Are Your Parents Letting You Get A Tattoo Because They Don’t Care In A Cool Way Or In A Sad Way? (headline, article)

Tell Me Why You Deserve A Presidential Medal Of Freedom In The Comments. Got A Bunch Of Them Laying Around Still, Could Probably Send Some Out Later On (by Barack Obama) (headline, article)

 At A Loss: Apple Has Admitted That Even They Don’t Know How Parents Get Their Text Fonts To Be So Fucking Massive (headline, article)

Bold Strategy: Pam Is Now Marketing Its Cooking Spray As Bug Killing Spray Too Since You Gotta Figure That Anything You Spray At A Bug For A Few Seconds Should Kill It (headline)

Clapping Back: MLB Has Addressed Complaints About Baseball Being Too Slow By Making The Games 8 Hours Long And More Tedious Than Ever To Show How Fucking Good Fans Had It(headline)

Unshakable Determination In The Face Of Adversity: Mom Is Currently Telling The CVS Cashier A Fourth Phone Number To Try For A Discount Card (headline, article)

6 Household Items Dad Is Currently Feuding With (headline, article)

Dating Win! Netflix Has Added A New Date Night Feature That Puts Several Half-Watched Ken Burns Documentaries In Your ‘Continue Watching’ Section To Make You Seem Smart (headline)

Being As Clear As Possible: Audi Has Launched A New Ad Campaign To Clarify That Anyone Is Allowed To Buy And Drive An Audi, It Doesn’t Have To Just Be Old Bald White Guys (headline, article)

60 Things Dad Looks For In A New Pair Of Shorts (headline)

Can’t All Be Homeruns: How Many Of Jesus’s Underwhelming, Second-Rate Miracles Do You Remember? (headline)

Last Hurrah: SeaWorld Has Agreed To Release All Of Their Animals Into The Wild, But First They’re Putting On A No-Holds-Barred, 12-Hour Show Where Absolutely Anything Goes (headline, article)

Total Chaos: Three Of The Seven Toothbrushes In This Bathroom Toothbrush Holder Are An Absolute Mystery To Everyone In The Family (headline)

Jumping The Gun: Three Couples In Their 60s Are Already On The Dancefloor At This Wedding Even Though No Music Is Playing And The Best Man Is Still Making His Speech (headline)

A Slap In The Face On The Way Out: The Photo In This Woman’s Farewell Instagram Post To Her Late Grandpa Is One Where She Looks Good And Grandpa Looks Like Absolute Shit (headline, article)

Tough Spot: The Instagram Story You Just Casually Watched Might Be The Kind Where You Have To Respond With Something Or Else It’s Rude (headline, article)

Yes! Aveeno Has Released A New Line Of Moisturizers Specifically For The 7 Different Types Of Skin That Make Up Your Genitals (headline, article)

Hot Hot Hollywood: Danny DeVito Has Been Spotted Sweeping The Grass Median In The Middle Of Rodeo Drive With A Small Umpire Brush In Search Of Fossils (headline, article)

You Lied Your Way Into A Job As A Surgeon! Can You Avoid Killing Anyone Long Enough To Collect Your First Paycheck? (wrote the full long-form Clickventure)

Missing The Mark: 5 Life Alert Commercials Where An Elderly Person Falls Down The Stairs And Fucking Loves It (headline)

Coming Clean: Juicy Fruit Has Announced That The White Dust On Their Sticks Of Gum Is Regular-Ass Dust, And If That’s A Deal Breaker For You, They Understand (headline, article)

Awesome! Koala Kare Has Announced That If There Are Any Adults Out There Who Want To Lie Down On Their Baby Changing Tables And Change Their Pants, Then Have At It (headline, article)

Frantic Search: Dad Is Asking If Anyone Has Seen His Favorite Quiksilver Shirt That He Got From Pacsun In 2007 That’s Made Of That Super Soft Material That You Can See His Nipples Through (headline, article)

End Of An Era: The 6th Grader Who Wore The Same Green Day Shirt From Kohl’s For The First 18 Days Of School Is Finally Wearing Other Clothes Now (headline, article)

Owning Up: The American Medical Association Has Apologized For Still Not Having A More Legitimate Alternative To Pushing On Your Tongue With A Wood Stick (headline, article)

Incredible Discovery: Historians Now Believe That The Egyptians Finished The Pyramids In Like A 2-Week Stretch Where They Were In The Zone And It Just Flowed Out Of Them (headline)

Leading A Double Life: This Guy Who Seems Pretty Normal For The Most Part Also Knows A Ton About Local High School Football (headline, article)